One More Day Without Hope

My mind has been focused on how not to think about you this whole week my love. By this I mean how not to be sad on your 5th birthday. I had thought having another child would make it better, Larondo mi, so so wrong. I'm thankful for your brother but I wish you were here trying to get his attention and love him just like BamBam is doing. I wish you didn't leave us my love. You would have been five today, you would have been a superstar at school. Showing off your clothes and cake. By now you would have been able to tell me what cartoon character you wanted on your cake. Oh my Apeke, I am still so sorry after almost 3 years that I couldn't save you, I couldn't be super mummy.  Irebami still speaks of you as though you only died last month. You have a brother now, we named him Obafemi, he doesn't look like you not even a bit. I've been studying his features just to see if you are in there at all, no you are not my special girl, you are irreplaceable, I...

How time does fly! At about this time 730 days ago, it had been confirmed that you were no longer with us. I still held your body in my arms anyway, hoping for a miracle. I wasn't going to give up that easily. I repeatedly sang that resurrection power song... 'Agbara Ajinde, Wa se'yani la'ye mi, l'oni l'oni wa se'yanu la'ye mi. Agbara Ajinde wa se'yanu la'ye mi. L'oni, l'oni wa se'yanu l'aye mi'. Tears had ceased, I couldn't even cry anymore. My life as I knew it had ended. You, my Nadya, my Larondo, My Mode-Mode had stopped breathing and I almost lost my zeal to live. Looking back to that evening now, a lot of things did go wrong and as much as superpowers would have helped, I had none. I even wished I was a witch with powers to raise the dead since I had prayed and nothing happened. Yet you remained dead as you have for two years. We have mourned you. Often wondered what you'd look like. If you'd still be c...

Happy birthday dear daughter. The days have passed by, they have rolled by, another year come. You would have been four today. Things have changed. I no longer think I'm dreaming. I don't pinch myself trying to wake up anymore. I've come to terms with your passing. I know you are not coming back. I know my Hope is gone, my Nadya is no more. So, as another birthday of yours comes, I remember you and all that you are. I wish it was all a nightmare and i will wake up sweating due to thee horror I just dreamed of but hugging you tight and thanking God its all a dream. But this nightmare is real, there's no waking up. I remember your calm demeanour, your stern gaze. I remember the way you call me 'mummy'. I remember your voice so well Mode Mi. I remember the way you introduce your self, "my name is Modebare Akinnini Mode-B Nadya' how i used to laugh whenever you did that. Or how you insist that 'my name is not Layondo my name is Mode-B'. Oh my de...

I met you in november you wear the prettier one the sweeter one the gentler one the smaller one you were my larondo my Mode-b. Your favourite word was Irebami she was your support system, your number one fan. You would scream with that tiny voice of yours; 'Irebami come and carry me' even when she would struggle to do so. She misses you. She misses you so much even after all these months. She's an only child now you know, textbook case of an only child. You should have stayed my Larondo. You should have stayed with her . With us! Mummy misses you Apeke mi, the one who showed me how sweet motherhood really is. The one who is most compassionate. Your smile, the small hugs you give, the pecks on the cheeks and all over my face and the occasional insistence to sit on my yaps. I miss you. I miss you my darling. I'm so sorry I failed you. I couldn't be your mother when it mattered most. My love, I'm so sorry I couldn't do the only thing required of me- to prot...

We lit a candle for you today! Wow! It's been a year. We have lived a whole year without you. It has not been easy. It has been some sort of hell or purgatory. Nothing has remained the same my love. I have mourned you for the last twelve months my Larondo, The hole your demise left in my heart is still bleeding, Self consolation is my last resort, I have no one else but me to console me. I kept you out of the eye of the storm. I chose to mourn you alone. No mention of you in the social media, although I have read all 363 posts on this blog. I have watched all your videos, I have looked through all your pictures. I also went to see that special piece of the earth where your mortal body rests.  Just last week your sister wished upon a star and now she believes wishes don't come true. Because she wished you would come back home by the time she returned from school. She misses you so much, maybe more than us adults. You were her playmate, her partner ...

Today at church, people were testifying to God's goodness. I thought back to what I am thankful for this year then I remembered my Modebare. I am thankful for a lot but my daughter was taken away from me. I cannot even think of other things but my Larondo. The tears have flown nonstop for the past hour. And I have been singing: Holy God to whom all praise is due I stand in awe of you What else can I do? He is the Supreme being.