One More Day Without Hope

The worst type of crying isn't the kind everyone could see--the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes.  No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it.  A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life

It is Children's day! You know the good thing about today? My Nadya is forever a child, So Happy Children day my Modebare Nadya. We went to the park today, for the first time after you passed. If tears could bring you back ni Apeke, you would be right here beside me wondering what I'm doing on this phone. I love you today, and always.

PROVERBS 15: 13 A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. ___________________________________________________________________ So let's just say there's some amount of sorrow lodged in my heart. Is my spirit crushed? Oh yes it is! Is it permanently crushed? Definitely not. ____________________________________________________________________ “You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”  ―  Anne Lamott

16  Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly  we are being renewed  day by day.   17  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.   18  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,  since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. Above is 2nd Corinthians Chapter 4 verses 16 to 18 ________________________________________________________________ I have been trying hard to study and find comfort in God's word. Activities are taking over. We are relocating. I'm getting back to work so I know my healing is going to be overshadowed by activities. I don't want that. I want to be confronted with my loss until I am no longer utterly distraught when I am made to remember. My family has enjoyed immense support from family and friends especially church folks.  So far, here are the things I have note...

The day after Modebare passed, I took a long run as I couldn't sleep. So i lfet home around 6:15 am and just ran aimlessly. I ran past their school, ran past a lot of place we had passed together just a few hours ago. I didn't shed tears but it seemed as though my heart had been stabbed or bludgeoned or something as horrible as that. I literally had a heartache. On my way back home I stopped by at the school. A few weeks before asked that she'd be demoted to preparatory class. She was barely three and was already in nursery 1 writing letters and adding them up. I felt she wouldn't cope and asked she be put in the appropriate class. I had never been to the new class. I entered the school premises and asked the admin officer to show me her new class. I asked where she sat but the lady had no idea. I just sat on the floor and let go. It fealt unreal. My darling was sitting somewhere in that class just a few hours ago. Probably singing and picking fights with people t...

I came across this blog today. The blogger acknowledged that one never gets over the pain of the loss of a child. But posits that we can live with the pain. I am still smiling as I type this. My entire existence is painful. I am so mad and I am not sure who to direct it at.  I pick up my phone and listen to ABBA's Chiquitita; it soothes me a lot nowadays Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong You're enchained by your own sorrow In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow How I hate to see you like this There is no way you can deny it I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet Chiquitita, tell me the truth I'm a shoulder you can cry on Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on You were always sure of yourself Now I see you've broken a feather I hope we can patch it up together Chiquitita, you and I know How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end You will have no ...

Today I feel like  a failure! How can I, the strong, hardworking Bolanle not beable to save her daughter from dying. Whatever happened to my mantra "I will defend my children with my life'? See I became helpless. I wasnt even given a chance to fight for her! Not a small fighting chance. We didn't have to donate blood or spend money. I didn't even get the chance to plead with her to stay. You see, I named her Nadya. It means Hope. I didn't even get to call her Name and beg her to give me hope, I can pray and get results. I have done so successfully in previous times. I am in a good place with God. How come this happened. Did someone kill her? Dis she die to avoid an impending calamity? Did she die young so she won't have to punishe us even more when she's all grown and more integral to our lives. I truly do not know. I do not know. All I know is that today, I have failed! As a mother I have failed. As a believer, I have failed. I apologise for ...

  I know it's not a dream but I wish I would wake up and heave a sigh of relief that this nightmare is not real.  My sweet little one, my darling Modebare. I have loved you since the first day I set my eyes on you. You actually made it impossible to not love you. My sweet girl.  I have promised to not question God Again but I look forward to seeing you again and you will tell me all about it. Why you had to leave so young with a part of me. I have died over and over with every tear that dropped from my eyes.  My darling, how I grieve at your death. The dreams I had built of you all shattered!  The memories we made together are priceless my darling. Your sister is distraught and confused at the same time. She is wondering why she cannot be an angel too and thinks its unfair you get to skip school. She misses you so much.  We have to give her another sister or brother not because we can replace you but because we want you to come back and share our ...

So today I wrote a post on Facebook. Most folks on my Faceboo knew of my Larondo's passing. So many reached out. So I decided to put up a post. and here it is because you wouldn't find it there anymore: I removed it immediately i put it up. There are some kind of things you wouldn't wish on any human being. One of such happened to me last Wednesday. I lost my daughter. My 2 years + 5 months old baby girl. Looking back now I treated her older than she actually was cos she behaved as though she were a four year old. It's only when she asks to 'suck bobby' that I remember her real age. I am not sure I have fully grasped the implications of her passing but I am most certain my world, my entire world came crashing. This is the year I have enjoyed the sweetest fellowship with my maker. I have been blessed in so many ways yet I lost my beloved daughter and all I have done since that day is thank God. Even when I have wept and wailed and howled and sighed,...

Today I am unusually overwhelmed by fear that I would forget you. How that would ever happen is still a mystery but the fear is nagging somewhere there. But how does one forget a girl so sweet. A girl that brought us so much joy. A girl who came with ease. How do I forget my Mode-B. The one who would declare: 'My name is Modebare Akunnini Nadya Mode=B'. How will I ever forget you my love. I sat down and kept remembering your laughs and crying and hugs and subtle aggressiveness and the stern warnings to Irebami: 'I will beat you o'. I wept not for you today, but for myself. For my loss. For the privilege taken away! Watching you grow older and nurturing you would have been a lot of fun. But here I am, left with just the memories. So I begin to play your favorite songs. And the tears flowed! Lavender's blue, Dilly dilly, Lavenders green. When I am King, Dilly dilly, You shall be Queen. Who told you so, Dilly dilly, Who told you so? T...

One more day without you my love, Its actually a whole week you've been gone. So today, I look back at the events of last wednesday. I woke you up around 7:05, Irebami had had her bath. So I carry you the bathroom, cleaned your mouth with your alligator toothbrush and then scrubbed your body with your pink sponge. You loved water, so I splashed on a bit more. By this time you were fully awake! Labake dresses you up while I finish packing your lunch and set breakfast. You eat Cocopops and drank extra water. I drop you and your sister at school and went to see a client at Egbeda and ran a few more errands for the business. I return to our area around 3:30 and as I approached your school, I decided to pick you guys early (you guys have been on the 'After School' plan for a while) so you can get some rest before church service in the evening. So we get home, you bring out your homework and settle down to do it while I took Irebami in for a shower. A few minutes later,...

We went house hunting today! Waking up in this house everyday without you is driving me nuts I walk past your hiding spot beside the washing machine and I check if you were there. Seeing your 'Berry Bear' laying in my bed gives me comfort but then Irebami would pick it up and throw it around. I spanked her on Sunday for touching your bear. I know you don't like her touching it so I have carried on. The visits are becoming less frequent. Our home is becoming ours again except you are not here. We are just going to start over, Me, Ire, Tunde and Labake too. I carry you like a fire in my heart Apeke, a fresh fire

So today is Tunde's Birthday! His wailing woke me up. Modebare happens to be the favorite of the two of us. Irebami is a sweet kid no doubt but so much drama. From conception, she has been a handful while Mode on the other hand has been nothing but a blessing, a relief, a compensation for all our previous parenting challenges. Modebare would have been a perfect Mel-Phleg with a dash of some Choleric and Sanguine but majorly a Mel-Phleg. Such a sweet sweet soul. And she would have been the first to wish her dad happy birthday without being prompted. She loved birthdays. Everyone's birthday was her birthday and she would even drag your cake with you and say 'it's my birthday, it's my cake' I may not know what the future holds but one thing is certain, Tunde is never going to celebrate another birthday without remembering his 'Prettier ONE'

I killed myself in my mind today. I don't want to live without you and I am not exaggerating. I woke up crying cos I saw your dad wailing in the rest room. He made tea, and you were not there to ask for a drop of honey. You are his early bird buddy. your hugs that you so freely give are missed. Larondo mi, you see when they say Man proposes, they were right. So i proposed that you my darling would be my bestie! You have this calmness that is lacking in your sister. You are observant and self sufficient. I had thought of you as the one I would be able to rely one. The one that would give me endless joy. The one who would always be there for me, Alas! there you are!!! You Should have stayed with us and grow up to overdose on cuteness So we went to church today. You dad did too. I did not cry today. I kept a straight face and blanked out. Just last week, I came to church with you. You had your lovely swag and were your chatty little self. Life has dealt us a serious blow...

Today, I went to PUSH. I stood there and thanked God for giving me Modebare, for allowing me know such a delight. Then the worship leader sang and that's how the floodgates opened.                                                                   E ba mi p’oruko re                                                                   Emi ni ti n’je emi ni Olorunko nla Emi ni ma se beru Oloruko nla nla nla nla nla nla nla Oyigiyigi yigiyigi k’abio o si Oba to to to to to to To k’ari aiye Emi ni (3x) M’ase beru You see, Mode liked turning around whenever she heard this song. She didn't know the exact lyrics bu she knew the oyigiyigi part...

This is the end of my world as I know it! They have taken away my Joy! My Nadya, My Hope. Who could have wanted to hurt me this bad. Why no kill me instead? Ah! Modebare my pleasant girl! Oh God! At he beginning of this year I kept having bad premonitions. I saw death hovering around me. I was scared to die. so I made a covenant of life with you Jehovah! Malachi 2: 5. I crammed it, I recited it, I believed it. I chose life. I chose life for my family. So, does this mean you do not answer prayers. You gave me assurance. I would not die, my children would not die. even the husband would not die. When Mode fell ill in February, I faced it heads on. I declared life, we spent days at the Hospital treating Sepsis... We bonded like never before. Her tiny arms were permanently on my neck. My Nadya overcame and we both went home victorious! How premature! I do not know what to think! But God you failed me. You watched on as my daughter died! And i called on you, Pastor Seyi praye...

I woke up numb! Maybe because I slept for just 50minutes or because about 7 hours before now I buried your body in that tiny little grave. Okay, its all a dream and I'm going to be up and thank God for not making this real. ModebareOluwa! You were lifeless yesterday. You just lay there. Is this real? Is this one of your games. Is this another "ta-da"??? Mode-B! I have called out for you. I have prayed till strength failed me! I am drained of will. Please my daughter dont do this to me. Who's a good girl??? You are the best girl Larond please wake up. Tunde is going to kill himself if you don't stop this play. My love, I'm begging you please