November to Remember

I met you in november you wear the prettier one the sweeter one the gentler one the smaller one you were my larondo my Mode-b.

Your favourite word was Irebami she was your support system, your number one fan. You would scream with that tiny voice of yours; 'Irebami come and carry me' even when she would struggle to do so. She misses you. She misses you so much even after all these months. She's an only child now you know, textbook case of an only child.

You should have stayed my Larondo. You should have stayed with her. With us!

Mummy misses you Apeke mi, the one who showed me how sweet motherhood really is. The one who is most compassionate. Your smile, the small hugs you give, the pecks on the cheeks and all over my face and the occasional insistence to sit on my yaps. I miss you. I miss you my darling. I'm so sorry I failed you. I couldn't be your mother when it mattered most. My love, I'm so sorry I couldn't do the only thing required of me- to protect you. To nurture you. To mother you. I'm sorry Apeke mi, Eniolanimi, my Nadya, my Hope.

I often wonder what you would look like today. What birthday cake you would choose. If you'd still enjoy licking off the sugar paste in between your cookies or if you'd still love going to school. Oh how you never resisted anything- how you were so easy to mother. You made it easy yo love you so... My Modebare, you name is still so sweet in my mouth. Modebareoluwa Apeke Nadya!

You would have been four this November. You would have been cuter, prettier, smarter, bigger, even more adorable. I would still have been able to brag that I have two girls. Two adorable girls.

I am broken. I have been ever since that awful afternoon. When you would not move. You would not cry. You wouldn't answer your mother. I am broke Apeke. I am no longer the same woman you called Ma-Ma. I just wear my pain so well so no one can see. But you my dear took a part of me away. The part that gave a fuck. I stopped being Ma-ma the moment I handed your lifeless body over to Tunde. When your body was put in that tiny hole in the ground. When you didn't turn or cru. A part of me was buried with you Apeke mi, A part of me died with you.

There are days I wished I could take your place. Be the one in the ground while you and your sister took on the world, together. I wish I could turn back thee hands of time, so many things I could have done differently. I'm so sorry, only you have an idea, I'm so sorry.

I remember you always. I'm afraid I'll forget you. Forget your voice, your feel, your smile, your dance, your smell. I'm afraid I'll forget you - so I leave you in my heart. Breathing, living! In my heart, you live with the strongest memories, so even when overwhelmed, I will never forget, my Mode-B.

I remember you more this month on November. Four years ago, I prepared for you. I looked forward to meeting you. And when I did, I was delighted, satisfied and happy that finally I could settle down to love two adorable girls... I was done birthing children. You were my Nadya, and just like that, my hope was taken away from me.

Even when I weep, I am glad I did know you, that I did mother you, even if only for a while too short, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be your mother.

The days and months will roll by, but mummy will never forget. Mummy will always remember and wish that you never left. Modebare, I love you, even in death I will always love you.I

#novembertoremember